Hi all -- Trish here, checking in from that crazy place we call home.
It's been a weird couple of months here -- Matt's symptoms gaining in severity and me crumbling into a erratic mess of emotional dust bunnies. Work has been a bit stressful. And I realize I am NOT nearly as altruistic as I would like to think I am.
Turns out some people just s.u.c.k.
And others are just CRAZY.
Not you, gentle reader; of course not. But they are out there, and they are unavoidable.
You know what, though? All that pressure at work produced something really lovely here at home:
an opportunity for Matt to be my champion.
It's unsurprising, I suppose, that as the symptoms of Matt's narcolepsy have intensified, I have become increasingly responsible for, well, just about everything. Home, housework, family, pup...
... maintaining our relationship with each other. Monitoring and responding to changes in Matt's health, sleepiness, attitude, needs.
But I got slammed with 8 loooong weeks of incredible stress at work. The type of stress that sent my head right back to the that horrible place in California, and the panic-attack producing months of entering the building each day wondering "is this the day that I will be fired?".
Of course where the head goes, the heart often follows. And this time was no exception. That soft and vulnerable bit 'o me followed my smarts right into the dark pit.
And at the bottom of that pit, what did we find? Yep -- you got it: dust bunnies. Nothing left of Trish but about a thousand frazzled emotions scattering this way and that, elusive and completely uncontainable.
But then, my narcoleptic love braved that mess, stepped up to the challenge, and declared "it is NOT OK for people to treat my wife like that!"
And I remembered: I am loved. Matt loves me and he has my back. (grinning widely) And that is so more important, more central to what I want from life, than, well -- just about anything.
So I must send this shout out to the "mean girls" from work: thank you!
I am so very blessed to be loved by and in love with this man. Most of the time I am so focused on holding everything together, we both miss the opportunities that only occur after life seems to have fallen to dust.
And to each of you reading this: I wish you love. Find it where you can -- but also let it find you!
Just stumbled on your blog...also living a narcoleptic and really needing to know that there is someone else out there doing it too. LoL! Life is so crazy. There are times I feel I have to literally do EVERYTHING around the house, plus I'm 9 months pregnant, have a 6 year old to care for and shuttle around...and get my DH around for his last sememster of college. It's like have two son's...with another on the way. I've given up on working and DH obviously CANT at this point so we are living with my dad until DH graduates and can, I hope and pray, get a job somewhere. Scared out of my mind that with everything going on I will be starring down the ugly path of post partum depression again.
ReplyDeleteTrish, Thank you for this beautifully-written and brave post. I'm so sorry to hear that Matt's symptoms have intensified and your work has been stressful recently. You seem like such a strong woman and I'm inspired by your's and Matt's relationship. As a person with narcolepsy who's dating a person with narcolepsy - we try to pass strength and love back and forth to each other when the other needs it. It's not always perfect, but it's love.
ReplyDeleteHoping the spring brings much happiness to you and Matt!
It is so comforting and inspiring to see how much you love each other. What a beautiful companionship.
ReplyDeleteI know intimately what your husband struggles with, and I imagine he is grateful beyond words for the loving supportive people in his life.
After nearly 12 years, every possible drug regimen, experimental drug trials, sleeping through school, and countless contests between friends and family over who could make me fall down, and cycles of completely disengaging from the world to avoid symptoms, I am slowly learning an important lesson: the more I withdraw from my emotions the sadder I become. The sadder I become, the more intense and frequent every symptom in the narcoleptic triad is.
There always seem to be cycles of ups and downs with our condition, and having someone there for the peaks and valleys is indescribably precious.
And there are days when we just have to sacrifice to the sleep prison and remember what it's like to be alive, to feel...after waking-up, of course. Some days I have to stare-down the REM-shackles and say, "dang it, I'm going to feel!" And hope I had my timing right so there's something squishy and soft near by, and my husband will lay down with me while I'm stuck.
On self-proclaimed "dysfunctional days," my husband's presence is like a sword brandished against the evil hallucination monkeys--having him near me keeps scary REM at bay while I fight to unlock my body from my brain and break the cycle. And when I do, having him there makes me love him even more. And sleep. Loving him makes me sleepy. And sometimes fall down. Those are the sacrifices we make for love...